and the rest is chaos

Perpetuum Jazzile. trust me on this. February 5, 2011

Filed under: Girl — nadinescloset @ 3:51 PM
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unreliable organs cause girl to do extra chores February 2, 2011

Filed under: Girl — nadinescloset @ 6:26 AM
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Wintered hands, icy water buckets, horse blankets. Sweat freezes along my forehead, the horses get excited. Feed them, feed them again. Repeat. Wrestle with hay bales, tiny slivers in my arms. Climb manure pile, trek towards the basement door. Back inside, I feel too hot. The layers won’t come off fast enough and there are parts of me still numb. Rotate out wet hats, rotate in dry hats. Socks. Apply primary leg layer, follow up with snowpants. Long shirt short shirt other shirt. Vest, jacket, zip, zip. Rotate out wet boots, rotate in dry boots, and gloves, and repeat several times each day until spring. I grew up doing my share of barn chores, but it’s different this year and the burden falls entirely to me. Usually I have the other half of the farm, my father, to assist and together we muddle through, but all things routine and comfortable went inside out on December 23. My dad’s heart failed us. It was slow, suffering, haunting. He was immersed in his pride-or maybe fear, and tried to will it away. In the evening I found my mother tending to him, she had come home from work, she was putting blankets on him, they were praying.  He was still wearing his shoes and I asked “Is dad ok?” He groaned, “I’ll be fine”. This level of denial is something my family resorts to if it’s very, very bad. I spent the evening trying to tune out sounds coming from my father. Gasping, sucking, anything for air. That sound came over and over, followed by gurgling, then moaning, then quiet. Too difficult to struggle. With that symptom, he asked for an ambulance, which arrived exactly at midnight. My mom punched at my door, yelled for me, and then I could hear her voice moving quickly away. That meant she was frantic. I had heard it before. Emerging, frightened, I noticed  they had dressed in coats already, and my dad was panting. I stayed back. Someone needed to watch the dogs and horses, and my dad was specifically concerned with it as he was leaving. I didn’t know what to think about that. I felt a new sadness, something far beyond any other, I might have just seen my father for the last time. I tried to delete those images of him suffering. While I cried alone in our big house, the doctors were reviving my father with paddles. His body probably lurching on a plastic table under a fluorescent  light. A disgusting image. I got him back. He didn’t die, he was going to but he didn’t, and those days were dotted by nurses and hospital rooms and the smell of  unwashed sick people. We learned of other serious ailments and my mother called doctors many many times. Our tall Christmas tree, half decorated, began to lose it’s needles. My mother sawed it into pieces right there in the living room.  She seemed relieved as she dragged it outside to burn. Home alone with my mother, I made an effort to keep her company. She only broke down once, and I had to embrace her.  It was very stiff, unpracticed. Then she was angry, too much gin, and we spatted about money. Rotate out wet hats, rotate in dry hats. Socks. Apply primary leg layer, follow up with snowpants. Long shirt short shirt other shirt.Vest, jacket, zip, zip. Rotate out wet boots, rotate in dry boots, and gloves, and repeat several times each day until spring. Feed them, feed them again, repeat, and care for Father.


Girl Climbs Around Forest, Woodland Creatures Watch In Horror

Filed under: Girl — nadinescloset @ 1:01 AM
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Venturing out into the gray, the usual curious wondering in the forest, the usual chill, wet feet.  I had a habit of following just one path, day after day,  finding nothing but snapped branches and my own footprints.  I did once encounter  a muskrat, but it quickly vanished. Another time I found an enormous dead crayfish.  Time spent searching,  wasted on a slippery marmot and a dead thing.  I wanted to know what went on. My longing to be liked by creatures, to be the exception to their doubts led me off one day into uncertain woodland.   A mess of thorny vines caught my pant leg as I tried to follow a trail of Fisher prints. I felt clumsy, human . The Fisher navigated expertly, with grace.  My presence was loud, unnerving, my shoes crushing saplings, squeaking atop rotted logs.  I stayed on the path of the Fisher.

Deer, coyote, fox, beaver, muskrat, porcupine, rabbit  joined the Fisher, and together these feet had worn a highway in the thicket.  There was a deep borrow complete with fresh droppings, an entrance perhaps to extensive tunnels. There was a turkey feather in a Fisher’s hole. Countless  tiny stumps had been gnawed into pencil tips by a beaver. A pile of pine shavings fresh from that day. My attention turned to the marsh, to his dam. Maybe he had hidden there, spooked by my arrival, maybe I could get close enough to see. I felt like a creature, like I might learn their secrets.

I sunk into the icy grasses along the shallows of the swamp. I balanced along grounded trees, grasping for sturdy holds. Standing on a bank, rushed, anxious, as though I was sure to see the beaver, I pondered the rushing water of a lively brook feeding the swamp. I confidently jumped, with a leg stretched out, and landed in the icy stream. As I climbed out, shocked, slow, I thought of how ridiculous I had been on this quest to befriend the wildlife. December air stung my wet skin.

Deer, coyote, fox, beaver, muskrat, porcupine, rabbit.  I trudged away, they surely reappeared soon after. I am not the exception to their doubts.  The creatures will always take cover in dens or holes, or flee with white tails waving. I am not the exception to their doubts,  and I can never know them.


dog finds girl. January 29, 2010

Filed under: Girl — nadinescloset @ 3:24 AM
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I can’t kill the mice that are ruining my kitchen, even though they casually leave their droppings all over my clean dishes. Instead  I trap them humanely and very carefully rehome them, provided I  find a satisfactory venue. The real issue here is the unnecessary standards to which I hold the new mouse homes, as I very much want them to thrive. A good mouse drop off spot will provide him with his basic needs;  Food, water, heat, and other mice who don’t discriminate. Also, it must not have glue traps, and I need to be relatively sure it never will. I couldn’t live with myself.

It’s a totally unnatural level of sympathy for something that leaves a trail of feces on my counter four or five times a day. And if that’s kinda crazy then I am approaching certifiable, considering the lengths I go to rescue,  adopt and seek out animals who truly need me. My adoption list has featured hamster things, entire flocks of chickens, (including 8 or nine roosters), ducks, fish, cats, horses, etc. And so it might seem odd, but for years I never even thought of owning a dog- in fact I specifically wanted to not have a dog.

There is only ever one reason to snub an entire species,  when one cranky bastard snaps and ruins it for everybody. Well for me that cranky representative was a German Shepard. The poor guy had wrapped his line so tightly around a pole that he couldn’t move, so squeaky 8 year old me ran happily over to rescue him. He was stressed and scared, I was right in his face, and I got the teeth. It was bloody and I was painfully embarrassed for both of us. That experience immediately put at least five feet between me and every dog.

I wasn’t able to find any canine comfort until years later when my parents adopted a few Pembroke Welsh Corgis, which were the sweetest little things. They hadn’t an ounce of hostility, just a lot of big ideas. I could do that. Seeing me make contact with a dog must have been monumental because my husband jumped on the subject, apparently he had wanted a dog very badly. With a lot of fear I finally agreed, for his sake. Much discussion went on about which breeds are the most gentle, calm, and nonscary. We landed on the trusty Sheep Dog. My husband found a breeder and on Sunday we would choose a puppy. My heart wasn’t in it, but I decided to make this sacrifice for my guy.

Saturday, it needs no introduction, it’s a word that means great things. And Saturdays got an additional boost on this particular weekend, the cold February morning when I met my little Ezra. For some reason, on this day, my husband and I drove for an hour to have breakfast with my brother-in-law, spur of the moment. Just got up early and thought “You know what is really nice before breakfast? An hour of driving.” Who knows. When we arrived at his apartment building we stood outside and lit cigarettes, just waiting. Discussing our prospective sheep dog, wondering why breakfast wasn’t done, we took our places in time, allowing fate to steer the ship.

Perfectly on time, this little rocket puppy came out of nowhere and jumped in our arms. He wiggled his butt and licked our faces, and although he was very clearly a pitbull, I had no anxiety, no fear, just a case of cute overload! Eventually his person appeared, very surprised that he had run off like that. The woman didn’t waste any time telling us he was up for adoption, considering how smitten my husband and I were. It was Ez! He found us just in time, amazingly, and we took him home that day.

I was one %100 percent on board with this guy. Never a doubt about it, one of the happiest days of my life. And after learning Ezra’s story, the one where he was two months old, stray, starving,  and hopelessly ill, where he arrived at NYC Animal Control, then moved to a foster apartment, I’d say it wasn’t that bad for him either.

This little guy has a very important purpose to his life, and that has been to open doors for me, so I may open doors for other homeless dogs,  and he’s a pitbull! Can you believe it? I was lucky to get him at four months, but after knowing him I will do whatever I can to adopt lots of homeless pits down the road. I hope you do the same. First dog I ever really felt right around. And there are lots of adorable pitbull puppies that need adoption, so if you are on the fence about adopting a dog, no excuses! You can get an impressionable, sweet little pup! (Don’t forget  though, the adults are just as homeless, and they have wigglebutts too.)